Baby Baloueyes

...I can feel 'em flying like a hand out the window in the night.....
Hmm, been a bit since the last update....I originally planned to leave a journal entry every morning.....yeah, well....things change;)
Well, since my last entry quite a bit of updating to do:
Mom rode Amtrak down to the bay to see me, so that was nice....got to show her around my neck of the woods;) We had a really nice time and I even got to show her IKEA!!

My training continued for the marathon, which I ran on Sunday the 2nd of October:

I finished in 3 hours 45 minutes and took first in my age group, I dtill can hardly believe I did it. It was really a challenge, thankfully Mom and Dad got to me on their bikes around mile 20, I needed the motivation;)
I once read a runner say that somehwere along mile 20 it feels as though you insert a razor blade into your quadriceps and continue to run with razors in your leg.....and um yeah.....nuf said! Luckily, I am recovering well, I actaully hit the road again on Tuesday and am back to my normal 5 miles, albeit a bit slower....for now;)
Well, the 2nd marked 6 months since my first date with Chris....things are going well, sometimes so well that it scares me....and he has asked me to move in with him when I am done with school....time will tell. Much will depend on where I end up for my internship, so maybe a greater power will make the decision easier, by offering an internship site close to his place.
The 3rd of this month marked 6 whole months since Grandma has been gone.


Some people say that everyday should get easier...in grieving that is, time heals all wounds....but I am not so sure. After I finished my marathon I cried, um...sobbed...I wanted nothing more than to know that I could tell her about it. I know she would have been so very proud and in awe, and I just wish so much I could share so many things with her...she will never meet Chris...how I wish I would hear her voice again...and get e-mails from her. So I do wonder about time, it sometimes seems that the more time she is gone the harder it gets. I know the moments I have had, like after the race, in which I truly FEEL the loss have to come in small chunks, otherwise it would be too much. I guess the hard part is letting it all go....putting faith in the belief that she DOES know about the race and that she sees us all, missing her. I watched her video on the 2nd and the 3rd and still have trouble grasping that she is gone. It is a work in progress I suppose....and I have a lot of work yet to do.
As for internships....packets have been submitted....Time will tell where I belong and what site will be best for me.
So...I carry on...with so much ahead of me, waiting patiently for my future to unfold:)

So, let us see.....where did I leave off.....
Well week 3 has come and gone. Panic is the same as usual amongst us all! We found out possible internship site and are now faced with trying to decide where to apply. It is really a bit of a big deal, deciding where you will be for the next 6 months....which could possibly set us up for jobs....it's kinda huge! At any rate, there is a chance that I get to apply

It is truly a dream come true....but we will see what is in the cards for me!
As for my weekend.....yesterday went to the football game
It was a great game....UC Davis won in the last seconds of the game....plus I got to go to Palo Alto....somewhere new, so that was pretty cool.

I got to thinking this afternoon about things I really enjoy.....
Well, of course that is not all, but none the less....I got to sit outside on a crystal clear morning and sip a cup of coffee and just enjoy the morning. It really makes me look forward to not having this giant burden on school on my back. The last few days have been gorgeous on the bay...
I <3 my mini ipod How did I survive without her.....aptly named Princess
I <3 being a big sister


Gotta admit....I am dissapointed though....went into the kitchen this afternoon to discover someone helped themselves to my rice and my rice cooker to make some rice. WTF?!?!? Both are clearly labeled with my name and room number, I mean really.....I thought I was amongst grown ups who respected other peoples stuff....can't wait to have all my stuff in one place, for me to use.....I don't mind sharing, but at least ask before you eat someone else's food and use their rice cooker to cook it in.....grrr

"LOVE is imperative to one's mental, physical, emotional and spiritual welfare. TAKE CARE of the physical, mental, spiritual and emotional self. Be AWARE of the powers of the MIND AND BODY CONNECTION.....what you believe will manifest in health or illness."

Although a person may find love all around it is the love we have for ourselves that ends up to be our most valued gift. Without love for yourself you cannot fully appreciate love for others or anothers love for you.....sometimes I wonder if the type of people who seek out health care professions are all destined to a specific mental pattern....of trying to heal and solve others before they take care of themselves....I'm sure Dr. W would envcourage me to do a research study on just such a topic;)

Ok...enough contemplative thought for the morning......

I got to go home this weekend, which involved taking in my first college football game (UCBerkeley vs Sac State). It was pretty neat....I imagine I will be seeing a few this season....I also got to spend time with the fam for a BBQ to send Brother Baby off and wish him a Happy 21st, since he will be away from home.

It was strange I found myself saying goodbye...yet again....with little emotion, and again I wonder if my numbness continues....my own defense mechanism to protect what little feeling I have left.

Anyhow, I made it back to Oakland and only have 3 days of class this week;) I am sure the professors will make up for the lost time though....none the less each week is one week closer to my future.........

Just getting ready for school this morning and listening to the news....gas is as high as $3.19/gallon in the south....and $2.77/gallon in CA. Craziness. It is funny how wound up people get about it and complain and picket...but guess what? If you wanna go anywhere then you will pay it, no matter the price...you will pay it.
So the first day came and went and on to day 2 now. Nothing terribly exciting, although the faculty all seem to be pretty chill and excited for us. Today should be interesting however as we get to spend 3 hours with the chair of the department talking about Management of PT services, which by the way we all were doing during our clinical affils....should be interesting.
None the less....off to school for another 'quack-tastic' day:)
Took this from a book of Hawaiian Proverbs:
"I have a term I call Polynesian paralysis. It is the ability to somply be still and listen to your heartbeat, to stop and observe a beautiful rainbow or to watch the dolphins dance with the ocean. I would make this a priority over getting to a destination on time-the ability of observation, appreciation and relazation. When I arrive at my destination...I am much happier!"

Let us all take that moment today....

So today marks the first day of my LAST semester of school.....EVER. I am not quite sure how I feel about that, it seems as though the last 25 years have led to this and now it is within my reach.....scary.....exciting....incredible.
I drove down to Oakland yesterday morning and was able to get all unpacked and prepare binders and stuff for today. I also decided to take advantage of the free time and watched a couple movies.
I think I quite possibly saw the saddest movie in history, The Notebook....good lord....I had heard it was sad and been advised to watch it only when I felt ready. After 20 minutes curled in the fetal position bawling I decided I would never have been 'ready'.....I had the story line pegged but none the less could not stop freaking crying for the last part of the movie....good thing I was alone!
I re-acquainted myslef with Lake Merritt this morning....hasn't changed, same bums sleeping on the same spots on the street....same ___________ (insert ethnic reference) jogging around doing the "Rocky" run, good times....
So now that I am back to school I will continue to 'attempt' to update-one of my 3 websites....sheesh....in the words of Kip, "I love technology, but not as much as you you see..."

So I FINALLY managed time to update my LJ and Xanga.....here is the link....I did the update on Xanga!
http://www.xanga.com/home.aspx?user=baloueyes

Napoleon Dyanamite
(Please rate my quiz)


Which Napoleon Dynamite character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

So I took this quiz this afternoon.....interesting! Anyhow, life as we know is it what they say 'in full swing'. School is back in gear and although we do not have as much work as previous semesters we are working very hard to train ourselves into the belief that it is OK to not be studying 24 hours a day. It is an interesting shift of perspective and is definitely a work in progress.

Another day....another dollar.....well that is actually not true.....someone in class figured out we each pay something like $90 bucks a day to go to school, interesting......especially when our teacher didn't show today....kinda strange.
Anyhow, I am just finshing up with the reading for class tomorrow....it was interesting but it took me awhile to get into it, stinkin' cobwebs in my brain I tell you!
Not much new to report.....trying to get back into things....I signed up to be a tutor for the 1st years today....hopefully it is not TOO much of a commitment for me.
2 more days and I survive my first week back to school.....you can do it.....

Well....here it is already the end of day 2 back at school, and alas I am sitting in my room, candles lit, listening to jazz, sipping on coffee.....ahh, the good 'ole days. So far classes are going well, definitely a whole different story than the previous 3 semesters, but it is still early.
The vibe is quite different because of the loss of our fellow classmates. As a child you go through school and people moved away or switched schools, but I don't think you can compare that feeling to what we are feeling now. As long as we don't think about it or talk about it.....but it is hard not to.....
Let's see.....being back has been interesting....I have actually woke up in the middle of the night unsure of where I was....but that will fade in time, although I am supposed to head home this weekend, so that will throw me off again!
We got our clinical assignments for this semester. I will be in a pediatric facility in Fremont, so I am really excited for that. We won't start until the 19th, but that will be here before we know it.
Gramma had her gamma knife procedure on Monday and is doing pretty well. I called yesterday night and she was in good spirits and set to eat a hamburger for dinner:) Her only complaint was some pain from the screws that they had to use to hold her head still during the procedure. She mentioned that it was worth it if it gives her more function during the last few months she has left.....I left that comment alone....and still feel that I am in a daze at times ever since the accident back in October. On ocassion I find I struggle to concentrate, but that might just be dusting the cobwebs from my brain as I return to school, we'll see.
Things are calm and quiet in the dorms, which is nice, and we do not start class until 1:30 tomorrow afternoon....so I have all morning to get my run in and just hang out...should be nice....I could use a little extra sleep!
Until next time.......

So I drove away in my car today and ended up in Oakland....what a coincidence, especially with school starting tomorrow! Nearly 5 hours after arriving I am able to take a break and update...hard to believe. I still have mail to go through, but at least I am unpacked and settled in. I did re-arrange all the furniture in my room:) Let me see....I don't even know where to start this little story....but a lot has happened since I last wrote.
Gramma is hanging in there, she is scheduled for the gamma knife procedure tomorrow, we are all praying for the best. She has good days and bad days, but we all just want her to be as happy and comfortable as possible.
Also....a mass was found on Grandpa's lung....at the moment they are calling it lung cancer, but they do not know yet if it is benign or malignant.
Life has thrown the family a few curves, but we are still swinging.....getting by and carrying on.
I start class tomorrow....so that will surely keep me on my toes and busy as can be. I did well at the Thanksgiving run.....finished 7th out of 200+ participants in my age group. I was pretty proud!
I think that will be about it for now....but now that I am back at school I will be updating more often!
Happy New Year!

Another week has flown by.....not much feeling like updating right now, but did want to post a quote I recently found...
DANCE as if no one were watching....SING as if no one were listening....LIVE every day as if it were your last.
"As I ate breakfast one morning, I overheard 2 oncologists conversing. One complained bitterly, "You know Bob, I just don't understand it. We used the same drugs, the same dosage, the same schedule and the same entry criteria. Yet I got a 22% response rate and you got a 74%. That's unheard of for metastatic cancer. How do you do it?" His colleague replied, "We're both using Etoposide, Platinum, Oncovin and Hydroyurea. You call yours EPOH. I tell my patients I'm giving them HOPE. As dismal as the statistics are, I emphasize that we have a chance."

November.....just amazes me that 2004 is drawing near its end, I have no idea where the last year of my life went....I guess mostly it went to my head, thanks to non-stop school:)
I got to go home last weekend and anticipate doing the same this weekend.... trying to spend as much time with Gramma as possible and talk about the things you never think you'll have to. She is incredibly peaceful with this whole ordeal, although has made a few comments that just stop us all in our tracks; "This isn't what I had planned for the rest of my life."
That one hit me pretty hard....we all walk around looking so far into the future that we almost forget the gift that is today....and so we constantly chase a dream....a vision of what we want...because for some reason we will not allow ourselves to be content with what we have right here right now. Each and every day I feel myself change... I feel myself let go of the future...in a sense...because it is too much work to live for the uknown. I live for today, I plan for tomorrow.....but I will never again allow myself to take today for granted....NEVER....I will also not allow myself to settle... no more....I deserve the best....and I will not settle for anything less.
We took our first neuro exam yesterday and amidst all the turmoil as of lately, I did well. I am proud of that. I called Gramma and told her about the score because she was worried about me not studying enough this weekend, but I did it:) I am so blessed....
I have been blessed with so many gifts.... I do not understand life.....I do not understand why.....I wish there was an answer.....I wish there was a pause button in life....so nothing would ever change.....
Thanks to all of you who have given supportive words and who have been there in my times of happiness....and in this time of need.....words cannot express what my friends and family mean to me.

I am back in Oakland.....settled into the 'new' room just in time to re-pack and get ready to go home. I got a call Monday night that my grandparents along with my aunt and mom were on the way to the hospital. My Grandma had been in a car accident during the day.....no one thought much of it.....until my cousin went to go see her and he noticed something was not right. Her face was drooping, she was slurring and shuffling her gait. He called my aunt who drove out to check on her as well and she in turn called my mom.....and they decided to take her to the hospital. As the story went on I learned more....the accident: Grandma had run into a parked bus and was questioned for blood alcohol content as they thought she was intoxicated by her speech and gait. My mom began rattling off to me the symptoms that Grandma was having and they all sounded 'stroke-ish' until she told me that half of her tongue felt strange.....that is cranial nerve function.....so I went and asked Doc Aaron....told him Grandma's history of melanoma.....and he brought me back to reality by suggesting it could be a metastasis.....he turned out to be correct.
The CT scan and MRI both revealed a metastatic brain tumor.
Where do we go from here....every minute that passes by that Grandma is alive right now is a gift. The rest of the family has been able to be with her and visit and face the reality, and I am here at school. Luckily I get to see her tonight, as I will be driving home after class.....but I do not know how this weekend will go.....one day at a time is all we can do.....and I still have to study....and study the brain and brainstem.....constant reminders.
In the past few days I go up and down. I have moments of normality and then I have moments of panic and sadness.
I try to rationalize this....I try to find the lesson in the challenges life gives us....but I am tired of learning.
I must smile and try to face this with as much courage as I can.....for Grandma and for the family...LIVESTRONG.

Clinical is over......how weird......I am attempting to pack, but needless to say it isn't going all that great since I am on here writing;) I am not sure what to pack....and now Mom is not coming with me tomorrow....so I have extra room.
Spent most of last night trying to dry off my phone....it fell into my glass of water last night while I was babysitting....and luckily is working this morning.....when I got into my car to leave my check engine light was flashing and my car charger for my cell phone turned out to be broken....what a night! I did make some money, so now I get to go to Macy's and spend it ALL!
I have to post this....just so I can read it somewhere every once in awhile:
You're adored, and for good reasons
You're a natural leader. You have a gift for building cooperation and harmony at work and in your relationships. You're a woman of great integrity who'll stand up and fight for causes you believe in. People quickly learn that you do what you say and say what you mean. From what everyone can see, you have your act together. Inside, you're driven by a vision for your future and searching to find love and a sense of "balance" in your life. Attracting friends has never been a problem. They appreciate your kind nature and constant support. But you've saved important parts of yourself for someone special. You have a very romantic side hidden away and are ready to experience a genuine "spark" with someone.
I like to think that some of it is true...and now for my downfalls:
The organization and time-management skills that serve you so well in your career can spill over into your personal life and at times make you seem controlling and impatient.
Because you're a big-hearted woman, at times you can be swayed too much by emotions and a desire to keep your friends and family happy.
At times you can become so focused on ideas, plans for the future, or a new project that you lose track of the day to day details of life (like doing laundry, balancing your checkbook, or even eating).
That is all for now.....T minus 2 days till reunion with Dr. J....YAY!

So today is my last day at clinicals....holy crap...where did the last 2 months of my life go?!? It feels like yesterday that I started clinical, fumbling through evals....struggling to write up my assessment and plan....and now....it is over! I got my final evaluation on Wednesday. I feel so lucky to have had such wonderful CI's and a great staff at the site I ended up at. It was so weird to get my evaluation.....my whole life it has been all about grades (test) and not so much about YOU as a person and as a professional....and now.....it was ALL about me....how I interact with patients, how I chart......it is just so weird how things changed so fast from school to clinicals....and now back to school. It is almost unfair because we got a small taste of what life after school will be like...and then POOF....nope...back to school. I am however thankful for the real world part of the program.....keeps me motivated to press through the next 18 months!
Let's see....in other news: not a whole lot....I have been hibernating in a sense....part of it because I feel like I made a fool of myself with Mike, the other part because it is getting cooler and I left all my winter clothes in Oakland! At any rate I have to start packing since I am heading back this weekend. Now I just have to decide if I am gonna hit the bar scene this weekend or not.....not sure yet....one thing I do know is I at least get to have coffee with Holly.....another blessing from PT school....who knew that I would meet so many incredible people in school....I am lucky, and I miss each and every one of them.....even Mike C;)
Alright....gotta get to work.....I have a whole 1 patient on my schedule today....HAPPY FRIDAY!

Ok, so I feel like each time I write lately....something changes....or happens....that totally negates the last thing I wrote....and this entry will be no different;)
I went out this weekend.....odd for me....I'm typically not "into" that scene...but I figured....why not!?! Jeremy and I started the evening with a nice dinner.....had good conversation, just a good time. Jumped in the car and headed back to EG to meet with Kristi....but when I called she said she needed another hour or so....so I call up my friend Nick....and I go to a restaurant to meet up with him. When I drive up I see that Mike is there....F'ing fabulous.....and when I walk in he is sitting at the bar....with his girlfriend....I nearly barfed up my good dinner! Needless to say I didn't even say hello....his friends gave me shit for that....but I felt that I had NOTHING to say.....and what....was he gonna intrduce me to his girlfriend...NO THANKS.
I loved it...really....I mean.....the guy looked into my face the night before and LIED straight to my face about "i'm confused, i'm working so much, i'm honest" that was the biggest bunch of bullshit.....and I just have to wonder why....but basically I thought it would be easier for him to tell me off being that we were only casually dating.....but I guess the main idea no is that he is a COWARD....and I think most guys are. I am mostly mad at him using the 'i'm in a wierd place' excuse with his Mom passing away and all....I actualyl felt bad for the guy.....BARF!
"We would rather chop off our own arm with a dull knife than tell a girl that she is not the one", a quote from the book 'He's Just Not That Into You'.....and boy do I understand that idea now.
At any rate I know that coming home has taught me a lot about what life.....and not just about PT, I definitely got more than I bargained for in this time span.....and I am glad to say now that it was fun....it sucked for a bit....but that is what I get for being trusting and optimistic....and for caring about someone who did not deserve it!
The countdown has become official....one week from this moment I will be back in Oakland in the dorms...probably stressing about how hard class will be, but at any rate I will BE BACK.....to being ME again:)

Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow...they'll be sun!
So.....sometimes life takes us in directions that we do not understand, or cannot be explained. I look at the last few weeks of my life and wonder if I made the right decisions.....if my choices were correct......and I think I can safely say that I lived each situation and each moment with no regrets. I did what I felt in my heart was the right thing to do....
Tonight on my run I noticed that Mike's truck was at the high school....he was at the game......my heart sunk. I felt betrayed, I felt that my 'high' the last few days was gone.....I ran home with a knot in my stomach....but I knew what I had to do....I had to go down there and talk to him....face to face. So, after much deliberation and anger...and a little tear here and there I showered and headed to the game. I sat in the coaches area with many of the people I know and who I sat with last game I went to to support Mike. I waited for the game to end......kept an eye for Mike and saw him with his x-GF again....this time holding hands. I said a quick goodbye to the people who I had been sitting with.....they I am sure are totally confused:).....and walked quickly to my car. I grabbed the things that I had been wanting to give to Mike, and waited.....figuring this was my only chance to give them back in person.....even if SHE was around. I started towards his truck and turned back to see him approaching me. We said hello and he hugged me....I appologized....said I was sorry that I had no idea "that" was why he didn't want me to come to the game. He spent awhile explaining that he has so much going on and that he doesn't know what to do.....things at work are crazy...and blah....blah....blah. I offered a dinner invite as my parents are doing a "yay, you survived clinicals" dinner for me next Saturday....and he did not say yes or no....so I figure I will text him or leave him a message once the reservations are made.....and continue to stand back, and let him figure things out. Above all I feel bad for the guy.....his life is in turmoil, his Mom is gone....and so I cannot blame him for seeking the comfort of his ex (or maybe current) girlfriend. All I know is that I am glad that I did what I did......and I am glad that I have no regrets.....
SO....needless to say today did not turn out to be what I expected.....little did I know! I do feel good still and that is the most important thing....
As for tomorrow.....the title says it all...a new day.....and a new experience as I am supposed to go out with my friend Kristi....should be exciting....or scary...we'll see.
To my classmates who take their competency tomorrow.....my thoughts are with you....kick some ass!

Ok, so here it is.....Wednesday October the 13th.....when the heck did it suddenly become October?!? I mean really....time is flying so incredibly fast that I cannot hardly hang on! At any rate I did my in-service today at clinicals....and realized that I have only a week and a half left with at home. I think I might have talked my Mom into driving back to Oakland with me when I head back....which would be cool....it won't be so sad that way.....what am I talking about, I will probably only be in Oakland on the weekdays....and then jetting home for the weekends...If I know me.
So.....the Mike dilemma has been solved.....FINALLY. I got to talk to him last night, and basically the conversation just ended with....NOTHING. He is working like a maniac, basically hiding in his work and has hardly any time to even sleep. I figured I could keep in touch....just send little text messages every now and then....since he is dealing with such a loss.....so we'll see.
I just know that I feel SO much better after talking to him....at least I know. So now I get to appologize to all the people who had to suffer through listening to me talk about it non-stop.....I am so lucky to have such great friends, you know who you are;)
So, I think that is all I have for today.....except this....
"Only you can change your life....no one can do it for you"

So today marks the 2nd to the last Tuesday that I have at clinicals/at home. I swear since I came home I have a chemical imbalance and all I do is think negatively. Can't ait to start neuro to figure out what the hell my problem is!
At any rate, I get off at 1230 today....which will be nice since Dad and I are going fishing on the river. It is so funny....he calls the outdoors (fishing, hunting,etc.) his church....so he is taking me to church and giving me a lesson on religion! I can always count on my Dad for a nice dose of laughter or stone cold reality. The other day when I was being a lame-o wondering what to do about this Mike thing...he goes "Erin, is your phone ringing?" of course I'm like....No Dad.....so he repsonds...."Then do something else with your time". Hurt for a minute, but then reality set in.....he is so right. However, at this point I feel like I at least DESERVE an explanation why a guy who is supposed to be SO nice is treating me like a dipshit....or maybe I deserve myself an explanation....why do I allow myself to be treated like a dipshit......thought for the day.
I only have like 4 patients today, so I just know the morning is going to D-R-A-G. Maybe I will be able to work on my in-service while I am at work.....that'd be cool. I will have to finish it tonight and also cook something to take so that the PT's can hopefully be distracted by food so that I don't bore them to death;)
Alright....happy trails....until we meet again!